...

As my summer has been making a rocky start - i sit here at 4 am with no sleep, alone with my thoughts.

but i suppose it isn't all bad. i'm not Particularly in a bad mood, i am feeling kinda just. neutral? im thinking about a lot all at once and i suppose its too much to particularly feel all of the incoming feelings at once.

I feel strangely at peace right now. maybe it is the start of me exiting a long-term episode? god i sure hope it is. the Only reason i say this is because i feel strangely resolved and motivated. (like i could single handed-ly clean my long built-up depression room all at once right now. which i might do, to be quite honest.)

* * *

though; some things im thinking about ...

- i really miss my friends. we just hung out a few days ago at my graduation party, and it was extremely fun - like the most fun I had in a long while. and plus, that was the first time (also) in a long while that ive hung out with a group of friends like that outside of school... i really hope they want to hang out like that again sometime soon... i love my friends so much ! c:

- i want to go swimming. like *really* badly. i want to go outside more in general

- another thing: i want to be less judgemental and hatepilled. i want to experience joy and frolic around whimsically - and having mean feelings in my heart will simply prevent that. ive already started working on that for a while now, but maybe thatll be something i expand more on Mentally this summer.

- AND AND AND on a similar note ^, i think i want to better myself this summer in general... ive had a streak of horrible summer breaks for TOO LONG!!!!!!! im gonna focus on myself!!!! hell yes!!!!